Do you ever catch yourself saying things like “I should be more productive,” “I should have gone to the store today,” or “I shouldn’t feel this way?” If so, you’re not alone. The word “should” seems innocent, maybe even helpful at times; but, in reality, it’s often a subtle (or not so subtle) form of self-judgment that can erode at your overall well-being.

Stop “shoulding” all over yourself! Although a phrase that can be humorous, it’s also one that can be painfully accurate. “Shoulding” is equivalent to pressuring yourself (or others) with rigid expectations. Statements beginning with “I should,” “You should,” or “They should” often reflect internalized beliefs about what we think you (or others) are supposed to be doing, rather than what’s genuinely helpful or realistic.

“I should work out every day.” “I should already have my life figured out.” “I shouldn’t feel anxious about this.” Who says? At its core, “shoulding” reflects a disconnect between where you are and where you think you ought to be, usually based on past conditioning or experiences, unrealistic standards, or societal norms.

“Shoulding”:

• Creates Shame and Guilt – implying that you’re failing to meet a standard, which often leads to guilt when applied to yourself and judgment when applied to others.
• Undermines Motivation – instead of feeling empowered, it often results in resistance, framing actions as obligations rather than choices.
• Keeps You Stuck in the Past – “I should have…” focuses on what can’t be changed, preventing forward movement and acceptance.
• Promotes Perfectionism – often encouraging all-or-nothing thinking that’s rarely realistic or compassionate.

Instead, shift your language – and experience a shift in your mindset. Try:

• Replacing “should” with “could” – “I could go to the gym today” opens the door to choice rather than obligation.
• Asking yourself why – is this “should” based on your values or someone else’s expectations?
• Using empowering language – instead of “I should eat better,” say “I want to eat better because it helps me feel good.”
• Practicing self-compassion – it’s okay to fall short. You’re human. Swap “I should have done better” for “I did the best I could with what I knew.”

To create change, awareness is the first step. Start noticing how often you use “should” in your self-talk. When you catch it, pause and reframe it in a more compassionate, empowering way. Be mindful. Over time this small shift in language can lead to significant changes in your mental and emotional health.

Life isn’t about measuring up to some arbitrary standard or to someone else’s expectations. Heck, it’s not even about measuring up to any of your own unrealistic expectations.

It’s about aligning your actions with your values, embracing imperfection, and giving yourself room to grow. You have the opportunity to be who you want to be. The next time you hear yourself “shoulding,” give yourself a break. Literally. Pause. Give your thought pattern a break. Notice what your body or mind actually needs at the moment. Shift your language to one of the above suggestions. Your mind and body will thank you for it.

Each week we try to correlate these Blog Posts with our weekly newsletter.  In each you will also get a helpful Mindful Minute – this week, “Tap Your Toes.” If you haven’t yet, enter your first name, email and click “yes, please” in the black box within the main Blog Page of this website to have these drop into your inbox each week.

For additional tips on mindful living and topics like this, follow me @livinghealthyin5fields on social media.