I heard the quote “whisper with intent, don’t yell to get attention” and it made me think about one of my 2025 intentions ….”no yelling”.  Many wouldn’t picture me to be a “yeller.” It is actually a “secret demon” of mine that I have worked on a lot over the years.  However, when I am really hurt, by someone I deeply love; or when I am scared about something relevant to someone I love – I can express it as though I am angry … with force … and loudly.  When, the reality is, I really want to whisper that I am deeply hurt. To whisper that I am terrified. To whisper that I really want a hug and safe space to cry.  To whisper that I just want to be respected or not taken for granted. To whisper that I so deeply want to help and/or protect the very person at which I may be yelling.

Why is it, especially with deeper, vulnerable feelings, that yelling can come out so much easier for me at times? It’s a trait I don’t love. It’s a trait I learned and a trend in my life I want to break.  My family yelled when I was young.  When emotions were high, there was either yelling and anger, dramatic tears, fleeing the situation/people involved (literally), or outright avoidance – as in “you may be in the same space, but I will entirely ignore you or not at all recognize your existence” … which could last for months. The older I got, the more I realized all these reactions were simply masking so many other feelings and emotions. This realization didn’t make it any easier while in the situation, nor did it help me develop great conflict management skills.

As I began to develop valued relationships outside of family, the more I knew I wanted to be different. I vowed, as I navigated my marriage and parenting, to not let what I may have been “taught” dictate how I behave as an adult. I want to choose differently. I want to set a better example for my kids. I want to mindfully offer an unconditional love that I may not have been given. A love meaningful enough to learn to talk through (real) emotions, to have level-headed conversations, and to deal with conflict without anger or running. I want to whisper with intention, over yell to get attention.

It’s been a process, as most things as challenging as healthy emotional regulation are.  To help, I remember what it felt like when I was on the “other side” of yelling. And the negative impacts (both short and long-term) it can have on so many things; including my own well-being and relationships and individuals I never want to intentionally hurt.  

A few primary effects of yelling include:

Emotional Impact

• Increased stress: Yelling often creates an environment of tension and anxiety, making it harder for people to think clearly and react calmly.
• Feelings of fear or shame: When someone is yelled at, it can lead to feelings of fear, embarrassment, or shame, which can harm their self-esteem.
• Emotional shutdown: People being yelled at may become defensive or withdraw emotionally, shutting down communication and making it harder to resolve conflicts.

Relationship Damage

• Strained communication: Yelling typically interrupts open communication. It may make people feel misunderstood and less willing to express their thoughts or feelings.
• Erosion of trust: Constant yelling can erode trust between individuals, making them feel unsafe in the relationship.
• Increased conflict: Yelling tends to escalate rather than resolve conflicts. It can lead to more arguing and resentment over time.

Physical Health Effects

• Increased cortisol levels: Yelling can trigger the body’s “fight or flight” response, leading to higher cortisol levels (the stress hormone), which can be harmful to health over time.
• Weakened immune system: Prolonged stress from frequent yelling can weaken the immune system, making individuals more vulnerable to illness.
• Elevated blood pressure: The heightened stress response from yelling can raise blood pressure, contributing to heart-related health issues over time.

Cognitive and Behavioral Impact

• Poor decision-making: Under stress from yelling, people may struggle to think clearly and make decisions. They may act impulsively or make poor judgments.
• Reinforced negative behavior: Yelling can become a habitual way of communicating, especially if it is a learned behavior from childhood or frequent interactions.

Effects on Children

• Emotional regulation difficulties: Children who experience yelling regularly may have trouble managing their emotions, learning to regulate themselves, and coping with frustration in healthy ways.
• Behavioral problems: Children exposed to yelling might exhibit more aggression, anxiety, or withdrawn behavior. They may model this behavior in their interactions with others.
• Long-term mental health effects: Ongoing exposure to yelling can contribute to anxiety, depression, or difficulty in forming healthy relationships as children grow older.

Impaired Problem-Solving

• Yelling often shuts down productive conversation and problem-solving. It tends to focus on expressing anger instead of working together to find solutions. This can lead to unresolved issues and lingering frustration, especially when it is masking other emotions or feelings.

Luckily, there are ways to address yelling.  For example, use the CUPS method:

• Calm down: Take a break or ask for a moment to cool off before reacting.
• Use “I” statements: Instead of blaming or criticizing others, express how you feel.
• Practice active listening: Allow the other person to speak and show empathy.
• Seek professional help: If yelling is frequent and damaging, therapy or counseling can be helpful in learning better communication techniques.

Being mindful and intentional with your reactions, emotions, and how you would like to truly express them will not only help your own personal growth and relationship development, but also that of those you are in relationships with…and who they are in relationships with…and on and on (for maybe even generations to come). Learn to “whisper with intent, not yell to get attention.”

PS) This comes to you with a bit more vulnerability because it’s being posted on my birthday week…and I truly enjoy taking a deeper look into myself when I am blessed enough to be able to celebrate another year on this planet. Cheers to brutal honestly, self-reflections, and birthdays!! Thank you for being on this amazing mindful journey with me!

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PSS) I have to admit something…since I am being vulnerable with you. I yelled once this year. Like a week or two ago. I don’t know. Time is kind of a blur. And my youngest is VERY good at being a teen boy right now! SO GOOD! The Story: After repeatedly “disputing” over the exact same things. Over and over. For months. With less and less “remorse” on his part. And more and more frustration on mine. I could feel my emotions rising one particular night after one of his “repeat offenses” (which, for the record, “offenses” that are really so many tiny things adding up to bigger issues and I try to keep this in perspective … usually … BUT, there are also so many lessons to be learned in them …. and I take my mom role seriously of being one to “help” teach said lessons, consistently, and with grace and truth). Then I heard the words (in the complete “heat” of the moment) “mom, you’re yelling.” Hearing the words first pissed me off even more. Then hearing my own louder tone pissed me off. Then I said bad words. And then I stopped, all my words stopped, and I looked at my husband (frustrated and heart-broken …. but thinking maybe it wasn’t true) and asked him if I had just yelled. To which he just nodded. And I just started BAWLING!!! The “heat of the topic” with our son still wasn’t even resolved … so we had to get through that. And then I went into my room, shut the door, and sulked angrily. I then texted my daughter admittedly and, honestly … facing my REAL emotions of being “ashamed” … and sad … and disappointed in myself … of “giving in” to anger “over” the patience I so badly want to give those I love most (and that they deserve) … and then I cried some more. As older daughters away at college living their best lives tend to be, she was way more “consoling” …. because, let’s face it, she was most likely in the middle of a dorm room with ten people laughing and making amazing memories and NOT at home having to deal with “mom discipline” as I was texting my admission and guilt. It kinda made me giggle and feel a little better … because, very quickly, she somehow did the math on the number of days in 2025 I had successfully not yelled and combined that with all the days of my life that yelling had been more of a habit … and that it somehow still came out be at like a .000078% of days yelling … which she, to help try to make me feel better, rounded down to still 0%. It did help … a little … but also not. Bottom line, I had yelled. At one of the people I knew would test my patience most, but who means the world to me … enough for me to even set this darn intention. For him. For me. For US. AND, on top of it all, I don’t like to not accomplish what I set out to do, in any situation. It all around sucked. By this time my son had gone to bed and I went in and gave him BIG snuggles (as he tried to pretend like he was sleeping) and cried again – apologizing for my yelling, sobbing with his “fake sleeping” self. The Outcome: he ended up grounded for two weeks and I have ended up diving even deeper into self-help podcasts, mindfulness practices, and calmer methods of communication. The Win: I haven’t yelled again since. And, anyone who knows what it’s like to experience someone very good at being a teen boy AND being grounded, can imagine how the patience of both of us has been tested. We have worked things out more calmly and together. We’re both working on our roles we played in the entire situation. We are trying to communicate more honestly and openly. And, although we have no clue what lies ahead, the saying “you tend to grow stronger when challenged” may be proving to be true in this case. For both of us. SOOO, fingers (and toes, and arms, and legs) crossed for me/us, friend. I am no longer “ashamed,” I am human! Yelling does not define me. I am back on track to my intention. I am trying. I know my “why.” I can now acknowledge, at an even a deeper level, how icky yelling feels – and it has no place in our home or lives. I am a work in progress. And, ya know, some days, all this is “good enough” … and “good enough” can really mean “crushing it!”